You know the feeling. 

The relationship that starts with extraordinary intensity, soulmate energy, a sense of "this is it." And then, somewhere around the three-month mark, it quietly starts to fall apart.

Again. 

International therapy for expats who are stuck in this pattern is some of the most rewarding work I do as an international therapist and coach for expats at therapyjane. 

Because this pattern is incredibly common in globally mobile people, almost never recognized for what it actually is, and a lot more healable than most people believe.

This Isn't Bad Luck. It's a Pattern.

The expat version of this is particularly sneaky.

 There are always legitimate reasons why it couldn't work: the short-term posting, the colleague dynamic, the partner back home, the fact that you're leaving in six months anyway. 

Those circumstances are real. And for a while, they're enough of an explanation. 

But after a while, they start to feel a little too convenient.

It's also worth knowing that love avoidance is not the same as an avoidant attachment style, even though people confuse them constantly. 

They look similar on the surface, but require very different work underneath.

Where Expat Love Avoidance Actually Comes From

To understand love avoidance, you need to understand its counterpart: love addiction. 

These two patterns, as described by Pia Mellody, almost always travel together.

The love addict typically grew up in a home where emotional connection was scarce.

 Her developing brain learned to manufacture its own hit of oxytocin through fantasy, just to take the edge off. 

Brilliant Survival Strategy as a Child. 

It becomes genuinely problematic in adulthood, when she starts confusing the intensity of the early stage with the real thing.

The love avoidant typically grew up in a home where mom wasn't getting her emotional needs met from her spouse, and so, unconsciously, she turned to her son. 

He became extraordinarily good at reading exactly what she needed and giving it to her. It was how he maintained a connection and got his own needs met. 

But it was exhausting, emotionally costly, and he learned early on that he needed to disappear periodically to recharge.

In Adulthood, When These Two Find Each Other, It's Potent. 

The love avoidant reads the love addict perfectly, makes her feel seen and known and taken care of, perhaps for the first time in her life. 

She's intoxicated. He loves being able to do that for her. For about three months.

The Cycle. You Know the One.

Then the love avoidant starts to feel engulfed. 

He needs to disappear. 

His disappearance is devastating to the love addict, who had expectations he was never going to be able to meet.

He finds ways to recharge outside the relationship and starts to resent her for needing too much. 

She feels abandoned. Again. 

The Cycle Repeats.

Here's what makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Love avoidants tend to attract love addicts who cling, which confirms their belief that relationships are engulfing and impossible to leave. 

This makes them more avoidant, and the love addict clings harder. 

And so it goes, across multiple relationships, multiple countries, multiple legitimate reasons why it just didn't work out.

Insight doesn't break this cycle. 

Not because insight isn't valuable, but because this pattern doesn't live in the mind. 

It lives in the body, in the nervous system, in the survival strategies of a much younger self who had no other options.

Here's What International Therapy for Expats Actually Does With This

The work in international therapy for expats, for both love avoidants and love addicts, is fundamentally about one thing: learning to hold onto your own essence of self in a relationship. 

Staying present without merging, disappearing, clinging, or fleeing.

Knowing what belongs to you and what belongs to the other. 

Learning that conflict doesn’t automatically mean the end of the relationship.

Discerning the difference between negotiation and compromise – to make sure everyone’s needs get met.

And practicing my favorite reframe: that what felt life-threatening when you were little is probably just a bummer now.

Not a Small Reframe. A Life-Changing One.

Because today you have credit cards, car keys, a voice, and a choice. You can do your own laundry, cook your own dinner, and put your own roof over your own head.

You can choose whether you want to be in this relationship. Or in ANY relationship. Or not.

The work also involves doing real trauma work on the childhood experiences that set the pattern in motion. 

Not just talking about them. 

Clearing them from the body and nervous system, where they've been living ever since.

What Changes When the Pattern Does

And then the bigger things start to shift. 

Being able to name what you actually want in a partner, in a relationship, in a life, and own it without apology. 

No more deferring out of fear of being abandoned, making them guess, or hiding the real answer. 

And here's what nobody tells you: knowing what you want and saying it clearly makes you more trustworthy, more interesting, and genuinely more attractive to the right person. 

Because they can finally see who you actually are.

Ready to Break the Cycle? Work With an International Therapist and Coach for Expats

The people you keep choosing aren't random. But the pattern is healable. As an international therapist and coach for expats working entirely online, I work with clients around the world. International therapy for expats dealing with love avoidance looks different from standard relationship coaching, because this isn't a communication problem. It's a trauma pattern. And that's exactly the kind of work I do.

When you're ready, here's how we begin:

• Book a One-Time Healing Session: A great place to start if you want to experience how I work before committing to anything longer. One issue, one session, no life story required.
• Book Your Discovery Session: Ready for deeper work? Therapeutic coaching begins with a 90-minute deep dive to map your history, identify the patterns that have been running the show, and build a personalized roadmap for the work ahead.
• Get to Know Me First: Not quite ready? Fair enough. Have a look at my about page, read a few more posts, and get a feel for who I am and how I work. I'll still be here when you're ready.
• Show Up From Wherever You Are: A flat in Dubai, a hotel room in Bangkok, a kitchen table in whatever country you're calling home this year. All you need is an internet connection and a private space. I'll handle everything else.

Other Ways to Work With Me

Love avoidance rarely shows up on its own. For most of the expats I work with, it's tangled up with trauma, emotional exhaustion, a loss of meaning, or a sense that the life they've built still doesn't quite feel like enough. That's why at therapyjane I offer more than just international therapy for expats navigating relational patterns. Whether you're looking for a single focused session, a deeper therapeutic coaching process, or professional training, there's a way that fits where you are right now.

Other ways we can work together include One-Time Healing Sessions for targeted, single-session work on one specific issue; Therapeutic Coaching for a deeper, structured healing process; Healing the Birth Story for those exploring early developmental and ancestral patterns; Consulting and Mentoring for therapists, coaches, and healers looking for guidance; and Live and On-Demand Courses for professionals wanting to deepen their trauma-informed practice. Whatever you're carrying and however you'd like to work, there's likely something here that fits.

About the Author

Jane McCampbell Stuart is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified EMDR Therapist, and Certified Professional Co-active Coach based on an island in British Columbia, though her clients are scattered across the globe. With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist and having lived in four countries on two continents herself, she has a particular soft spot for the expats, executives, aid workers, and globally mobile humans who are brilliant at everything except sitting still. Her approach is deeply relational, clinically precise, and just a little bit magical. She gets in, gets to the root, and gets to work. And then she teaches you how to do it too.